Chapter 1: The Silent Struggle

For as long as I can remember, I have been perceived as "fine" by societal standards. However, my life was a tapestry woven with fear, beginning with the terror of nighttime as a child, evolving into the frightening intrusive thoughts of my teenage years, and culminating in debilitating panic attacks and anxiety during both high school and college. This emotional turmoil reached a peak in the summer of 2004, leading to a dissociative episode that would change my life.

Everyone Assumed I Was Thriving

Looking back at my life from the vantage point of 51 years, equipped with a deeper understanding, I recognize the triggers that were woven into my physical and emotional experiences. For reasons unknown, I went to great lengths to conceal my struggles from the world. I opted for what felt like the path of least resistance—the same path many others take: to endure pain in silence.

For decades, I wore a mask, projecting the image of a cheerful, high-achieving individual. Subconsciously, I accepted society's stigma instead of embracing my authentic self and the vulnerability that accompanied it. During this time, I lacked the strength to truly stand on my own.

If I’m honest, I spent the first 33 years of my life voiceless, too afraid to unveil the true self I had hidden since childhood. Years of crippling anxiety left me feeling unsafe and out of control. I grappled with harm-related obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which introduced intrusive thoughts as my constant companions.

The rituals I undertook to maintain a sense of safety drained me, leaving scant space for childhood joys. For years, I convinced myself I was unique, broken, and alone. If only I had understood the reality.

To clarify, let's examine what OCD and intrusive thoughts entail. The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5 describes OCD as recurring, persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are intrusive and unwanted, often causing significant anxiety or distress. Individuals may attempt to ignore or suppress these thoughts, often leading to compulsive behaviors. These obsessions and compulsions can consume over an hour per day or severely impact one’s ability to function socially or professionally.

I liken these intrusive thoughts to an irritating song that loops relentlessly, drowning out the rest of my thoughts and consuming my day with the fear of their potential reality. For some, it manifests as the fear of job loss; for others, it could be the dread of serious illness. For me, it took the form of horrifying thoughts about harming others, both strangers and loved ones.

My OCD in Action

As a child, I felt a constant undercurrent of anxiety, and I recognized my OCD from around the age of seven, though it went undiagnosed. My mind was incessantly active, akin to a disco ball spinning with thoughts demanding attention, despite my efforts to dismiss them.

I relied heavily on checking rituals—turning light switches on and off, tugging at door handles—all performed three times to avert disaster. I struggled with sleep, often fearing I wouldn't be able to fall asleep, relying on my AM/FM radio as a nighttime security blanket.

Obsessively, I would think about the night ahead while at school, dreading the inevitable approach of evening. My anxiety manifested in self-destructive behaviors, including acting out in class and blaming others for my perceived failings. This led my peers to dub me "ego man," a nickname that filled me with deep shame despite its humor to others.

Every morning, I awakened with what felt like a "cauldron of dread" bubbling within me, accompanied by an overwhelming sense of impending doom. Unbeknownst to me, I was also battling undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which simmered beneath the surface, often unnoticed, while I navigated life in a state of constant alertness.

In many cases, including my own, we wage silent wars against our symptoms, often failing to recognize the hidden traumas at their core.

The first video, "Struggling in Silence: Social Media, Sports, & Mental Health with Kate Fagan," explores the impact of societal pressures on mental health, emphasizing the importance of speaking out.

The second video, "Physician Depression and Suicide - Struggling in Silence," delves into the challenges faced by medical professionals, highlighting the need for open discussions surrounding mental health struggles.