A Lifelong Struggle

Reflecting on my past, I remember my teenage years, filled with writing yet shrouded in fear of sharing my work. Vulnerability felt daunting, and the thought of being judged kept my words hidden. Nevertheless, writing became my sanctuary—my true self emerged through the written word, helping me navigate life and relationships. However, as adulthood approached, writing receded into the background of my busy professional life.

Then came a moment of reckoning. I realized my longing for writing was a significant aspect of my identity that I couldn’t ignore. My corporate job, filled with analyzing Excel spreadsheets and managing evaluations, felt absurd in comparison to my true passion. Not embracing my writing would surely be a regret I would carry to my deathbed.

In 2010, motivated by this realization, I launched a blog. For the first time, I shared my stories with the world, and it felt liberating. Yet, soon, I hit a wall. The once fluid words became stubbornly absent. Instead of being a source of connection, writing turned into a burdensome task, leading to frustration and years of inner conflict over my creative pursuits.

I wanted to write but found myself trapped in a cycle of consumption—devouring writing books in hopes of discovering the secret to unlock my creativity. From Stephen King’s On Writing to Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird, I sought wisdom to dispel my writer’s block. I sometimes thought I had found the answer:

• Begin with imperfect drafts.
• Discipline would invite inspiration.
• Morning Pages would eventually lead to clarity.

But my determination to write was often ephemeral.

As 2020 unfolded, like many others, I was forced to reassess my life. I recognized the importance of inner peace, and without writing, I felt that peace slipping away.

A New Approach

Determined to figure it out, I immersed myself in reading, hired a coach, and even attempted therapy. Yet nothing seemed to help until I started working with a spiritual mentor who proposed an unconventional approach: rather than focusing on writing, I should explore the root of my resistance.

Forget about writing? The thought was daunting! I longed for my inner critic to quiet down, not to abandon my passion. Yet, with little left to lose, I followed my teacher's guidance and delved into understanding my resistance. The insights I gained were transformative, leading me to write more consistently than ever.

What did I uncover? My resistance was a protective mechanism. Writing was so personal that sharing it felt like a risk to my very existence. The emotional highs and lows tied to my writing were overwhelming, and my resistance aimed to keep me steady. I realized that avoiding vulnerability by not sharing my work seemed like the safest route.

Understanding this gave me a newfound appreciation for my inner critic, who had only been trying to safeguard me from potential pain. It sparked a curiosity within me:

• Could I maintain emotional balance while still pursuing my dreams?
• Did my resistance truly wish for me to live a life full of regrets?
• Was it wise to forsake my aspirations to evade external judgment?

No, my resistance did not want that for me. However, it also wasn’t ready to allow me to endure emotional turmoil with each piece I created. We needed to find a new path forward.

This new path encouraged me to detach my sense of worth from the outcomes of my writing and the responses I received. It was essential to commit to writing for its own sake, regardless of external validation.

With tears in my eyes, I embraced this revelation. I was ready to write not for recognition but for the simple joy it brought me. I would share my thoughts and experiences in the hope of resonating with others, but I wouldn’t let their reactions define my worth. I would create simply out of longing.

And that’s how I transitioned from a consumer of content to a creator.

Reflecting on the Change

It has been over a year and a half since my enlightening conversation with my spiritual guide. I still engage with content to enhance my knowledge, but I have become adept at recognizing when consumption veers into escapism. This restlessness signals a need to return to creation.

Over to You

If you find yourself, like I once did, stuck in a cycle of consuming others' creations while yearning to craft your own, consider this: What if your resistance isn’t the enemy? What if your inner critic is merely a devoted protector? What if you could invite them to support your creative endeavors?

How liberating would that be?

My name is Yashi Srivastava, and I am committed to freeing myself from societal constraints, discovering my truths, and leading a fulfilling, self-directed life. To receive my heartfelt reflections on living well, sign up here.