Chapter 1: Attendance in Unprecedented Times

Dear Esteemed Team,

It has come to our attention that there has been a significant rise in unapproved absences since the onset of the apocalypse. This memo serves as a reminder: falling meteors are not valid reasons for neglecting your work responsibilities! Our commitment to shareholders, even in their fortified shelters, remains steadfast despite the catastrophic events unfolding around us.

Additionally, if you find yourself bitten by a zombie, please note that a DOCTOR'S NOTE is required for you to miss your shift! And just to clarify, a note from your neighbor, who may have an interest in cannibalism, will not suffice. Regardless of whether he is a “great guy” with some medical knowledge, your challenge in finding a legitimate doctor—due to the alien virus epidemic—is a matter you must address outside of office hours.

It is also important to inform everyone about the potential for impending layoffs. This year has been particularly challenging, and while our profits from canned goods have been remarkable, we must streamline our operations. Before you venture into the wasteland, please ensure that all company property, including your computer, ID badge, and any supplies like holy water, are returned.

In your severance package, you’ll find various resources to assist you in navigating the new challenges posed by the recently opened demon portal. This includes guidelines for effective networking, contact information for professional groups, and a packet of Uncle Joe’s famous Barbecue seasoning—be sure to pass that along to Carl, he’ll know how to utilize it.

For those remaining with us, it is crucial to meticulously track your time sheets to ensure proper billing to our new overlords. Neglecting to complete these sheets could lead to a performance improvement plan in a rather grim location. Be aware that you will receive two warnings before facing the consequences.

On a lighter note, Carl will be handling catering for our upcoming company picnic. Bring your appetites and ensure your more substantial friends join us!

We also wish to announce alterations to our healthcare plans, given the instability of our planet’s orbit as we drift closer to the sun. While this chaos unfolds, we want to reaffirm our dedication to our exceptionally resourceful employees during these trying times. Sunscreen, with an SPF of 5, will now be included in all health plans. Upon reaching the deductible of one million canned beans, the company will cover the cost of sunscreen. Furthermore, we will eliminate any lifetime caps on health insurance, as many of you may have limited time remaining. Please remember to submit your timesheets before the world meets its end.

Lastly, we must take a moment to acknowledge the dedication of our executives who have recently evacuated to the space station. Their visionary leadership has played a key role in maximizing their survival at your expense. Without their innovative thinking and your contributions to the old gods, the company wouldn’t have thrived. Your efforts, however, may be swiftly overlooked as they plot to colonize another planet. Remember, a team that endures together, plays together—or something along those lines. Frankly, HR is beyond caring at this juncture.

To reiterate: the apocalypse is not a legitimate excuse for missing work. We feel it is necessary to emphasize this once more, just to drive the point home.

Before we conclude this memo and you are whisked away into a chaotic dimension, know that the company values you as part of our family. So much so that we are offering FREE childcare for all employees. Some might label this as kidnapping, but we prefer to view it as innovative resource management. The machines on the space station are well-versed in the film "The Matrix," and things are progressing as one might expect.

Once again, we appreciate all your hard work, especially Carl for keeping us nourished during these changes. (Inquire about his chili recipe!)

Sincerely,

HR

Chapter 2: Surviving the Unthinkable

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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

About Shannon Carpenter

Shannon Carpenter is the author of "The Ultimate Stay-At-Home-Dad," available for preorder through Penguin Books or at your favorite bookstore. He is also the co-host of the podcast Dadhouse. Follow him on Twitter @Hossmanathome for dad jokes and updates. Represented by Chris Kepner.