Chapter 1: Understanding Mr. Nice Guy

In the world of interpersonal dynamics, we encounter individuals like Mr. Nice Guy, who strives to maintain harmonious relationships. He avoids conflict at all costs and seeks to please everyone around him. Yet, therein lies his dilemma.

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By Men Living and Aditya Ganjoo

During his second lecture of the day, the professor posed a question to the entire class: “What is cos2x?” For many students in this MBA cohort, trigonometry felt like a distant memory. However, for Mr. Nice Guy, it was an integral part of his daily work as a design engineer, where he regularly utilized trigonometric concepts. Yet, when the question arose, he remained silent, gripped by anxiety.

As the professor asked again, his heart raced, and a wave of panic surged through him. Although he knew the answer, the thought of speaking up was overwhelming. When another student finally responded, relief washed over him, but guilt quickly followed. “Why do I always falter in these moments?”

Introducing Mr. Nice Guy, a genuinely kind-hearted individual who desires to assist others. His avoidance of conflict and trouble has become problematic. From an early age, he internalized a sense of insignificance. His mother’s indifference when he cried, his father’s reprimands for seeking help, and the punishments from teachers instilled a belief that he was unworthy.

Through these experiences, young Nice Guy built a worldview, learning painful lessons about his place in it. His grandmother’s teachings on self-sacrifice were soon overshadowed by ridicule from his older brother, reinforcing his feelings of inadequacy.

As he transitioned into adolescence, the lens through which he viewed life became increasingly distorted. Each failure, whether in sports or academics, solidified his belief that he was less than others. This reinforced paradigm became a cage he carried into adulthood.

Chapter 2: The Fear of Speaking Up

Back in class, Mr. Nice Guy found himself paralyzed. The simple act of answering a question felt like a near-impossible feat. An internal dialogue ensued:

“I know the answer! I should speak up.”

“Don’t be foolish! You’ll just embarrass yourself.”

“But I can do this!”

“What if they laugh? Remember the last time?”

This internal struggle is familiar to many. Perhaps you’ve encountered someone like him—someone who mirrors your own fears and insecurities. Mr. Nice Guy’s self-doubt is so profound that he often remains unseen, even by himself. Yet, in quiet moments, he may reveal his true self, and you’ll see that he is not alone in his struggles.

What would have happened if Mr. Nice Guy had spoken up in class? He designs critical boiler components; surely, he could handle a classroom discussion. If he could manage high-stakes engineering tasks, why not a simple question? The same goes for social interactions—what if he had approached that girl before leaving college? The possibilities of what could have been weigh heavily on him.

Mr. Nice Guy carries an emotional burden he believes he must bear alone. But maybe next time, he’ll find the courage to express his preferences—like ordering his favorite dish without fear of judgment. Next time, when faced with a question in class, he can choose to speak confidently, recognizing that his heart's racing is just a natural response.

Through repeated experiences of self-assertion, he can gradually shift his paradigm and start to see himself as valuable and worthy of attention.

I met Aditya Ganjoo recently, and he shared his journey with authenticity and vulnerability. He has written about his life experiences, and I encourage you to explore his poignant essays.

Read more from The Good Men Project on Medium:

• One Phrase to Melt a Man’s Heart
• God Doesn’t Exist
• 8 Ways Good People Invalidate Their Partners and Ruin Relationships

The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

About Men Living

MenLiving is a non-profit organization dedicated to enhancing men's lives through connection. We create spaces for men to gather, support each other, and cultivate friendships, essential for fulfillment and well-being.