Chapter 1: A Difficult Realization

Today marks Day 16 of grappling with the pain of my ex not wanting to see me anymore.

Photo by Anete Lucina

Update, May 8, 2022: I’ve come to a disheartening realization that my ex exhibits several narcissistic traits. I urge anyone dealing with a confusing and painful relationship to explore the topic of narcissism. It’s something I was unaware of, and now, four years later, I find myself suffering the consequences of having dated someone with such characteristics. Below are some resources that could be beneficial for your understanding: [Narcissist Questions/Answers](#) / [Narcissist Video Help](#).

Currently, I find myself without a girlfriend, having faced rejection when I suggested dinner together. I hesitated to say, “Maybe we could meet again in the future?” This moment reveals how vulnerable and needy I feel, which is difficult to admit.

I observe her strength and resilience, particularly during conflicts and breakups, and I often wish I could adopt a similar indifferent attitude. But I wonder—could it just be a facade? Reflecting on our relationship history, it’s evident she has reached out to me more often than I have to her during our twelve breakups. This leads me to ponder if she has some narcissistic tendencies herself, a notion that saddens me.

As I revisit past breakups, I notice a troubling pattern; I often express feelings of finality, believing we will never reconcile. Yet, we always found our way back to each other. This time, however, I sense a different reality—I genuinely doubt we will reunite, which is disheartening. I must confront her feelings and the truth of our situation.

I’m currently battling feelings of depression and dependence, striving to perceive things from a new perspective. I wish I could claim that this process is straightforward and that healing is easy. Unfortunately, that is far from the truth.

Acknowledging my own weakness and neediness is a struggle, but I’m learning to speak kindly to myself about it. Perhaps, in time, I will cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and prioritize my own needs. But the pain remains, doesn’t it?

peace,

Chapter 2: The Path to Self-Respect

Read Day 17

Read Day 1