A Passion for Running

I run frequently—18 out of 29 days in February, covering over 224 miles (360.5 km) with a total elevation gain of 24,091 feet (7,343 m), all on trails. The thrill of climbing mountains and the joy of descending are what I cherish most about trail running; it prepares me for ultramarathons. My average run for that month was 12.45 miles (20.04 km) with a 1,338-foot (407.8 m) elevation gain. While I could log more miles on roads, I have no desire to pound pavement.

I don't follow a strict training regimen, nor do I use fitness apps to monitor my progress. I run simply because it brings me joy. To prevent injuries—especially at nearly 52—I prioritize rest days, running four to five times weekly, complemented by weightlifting and foam rolling sessions.

Trail running is a sacred practice for me, and I make time to nurture it.

While some may see this focus as obsessive, I view running as an essential part of my life. I commit to it because I've battled years of depression and anxiety, and I refuse to lose any more time to these challenges. I've spent countless days trapped in my thoughts, fighting a mind that often feels more like an adversary than an ally.

Years in therapy, medication, and meditation have all contributed to my journey toward peace. Therapy laid the groundwork for understanding my behaviors, while running provides the means to enact change and heal what therapy couldn't address.

Through running, I confront myself rather than distract from my internal struggles. I find comfort in nature and the trails, a sense of belonging that I often miss in everyday life. Out there, there's no judgment—just me and the trail.

Thus, the countless hours spent running have become more about healing than fitness.

The Path to Healing

The Arizona Trail is my sanctuary—a scenic, non-motorized path stretching 800 miles from Mexico to Utah, weaving through deserts, mountains, and forests. This section I frequent encompasses everything I enjoy—elevation changes, rocky terrains, smooth single-track trails, stunning views, and the rare presence of water.

The familiarity of this trail provides a sense of predictability that calms my anxiety. For those of us wrestling with anxiety and depression, stability and routine can be essential for our well-being.

According to research published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, predictability plays a key role in managing anxiety. Rituals can effectively reduce state anxiety, which many people encounter daily. Articles in Psychology Today affirm that while predictability may not seem thrilling, it is a powerful tool for mood stabilization and stress management.

The first step toward healing for me is establishing a routine that fosters safety and introspection. This allows me to focus on inner healing rather than external chaos.

To embark on your healing journey, create a predictable life where you can nurture your space for recovery.

How Soon Do You Benefit From Your Running Workouts?

This video discusses the immediate benefits of consistent running workouts, shedding light on how quickly one can start experiencing positive changes.

The Challenges of Deep Healing

Deep healing is an arduous process, often messy and overwhelming. It entails confronting guilt over past actions, reliving painful memories, and addressing anger stemming from childhood experiences or relationships.

As noted by Ana Del Castillo, acknowledging anger is vital in the healing process. It transforms feelings of powerlessness into a realization of one's worth.

The journey of healing can feel selfish, as it often requires prioritizing oneself and establishing boundaries. It can be painful to grieve the absence of what once was, even as new growth occurs.

Each time I run, my emotions surface, allowing me to process grief, loss, and the life experiences that have shaped me. I embrace anger, heaviness, sadness, and grief, letting these feelings wash over me as I move through the trails.

I am learning to feel what must be felt and to recognize that every emotion serves a purpose in my transformation.

Embracing Solitude

I deeply appreciate solitude; it brings me peace. However, the loneliness that accompanies healing can be isolating. While I thrive on my own, the solitude of healing is different—it's a painful aloneness that is necessary for growth.

I believe isolation isn't inherently negative, particularly for someone like me. Still, it’s crucial not to dwell in isolation forever. The more disconnected I feel from the world, the more connected I become with myself.

My healing journey involves detaching from people and activities that don't serve my well-being, opting for solitude and trail running instead. I've learned to construct my world, one that doesn't seek validation from others, thereby reducing my anxiety and fostering contentment.

I've grown quieter, expressing my pain through long runs, listening deeply, and acknowledging the lessons learned from past relationships.

Ultimately, while support from others is valuable, true healing is an internal endeavor. It requires navigating the depths of solitude and learning to rely on oneself during challenging times.

Letting Go of the Past

I’ve endured painful relationships, each teaching me about love and loss. Reflecting on these experiences during my runs helps me process heartache and grief. I remember the significance each person held in my life, but also the pain associated with them.

I’ve learned to let go of lingering feelings and recognize that healing is essential. Closing doors on past relationships allows me to focus on what lies ahead.

It's vital to accept what happened and to work through any remaining grief, whether independently or with a therapist.

The Most Challenging Aspect of Healing

I often find myself overly critical, engaging in a negative internal dialogue. The hardest part of my healing journey has been learning to forgive myself for past mistakes and unhelpful patterns.

Healing has illuminated the fact that I’m not outgrowing others; I’m outgrowing my former self. I’m beginning to break free from self-loathing and embrace the need for change.

Each day, I strive to accomplish something beneficial for my body, mind, and home, whether through trail running, reading, or tackling simple tasks.

The small victories matter; they build confidence and provide a sense of pride.

As I learn to appreciate my accomplishments, I realize that I don’t need external validation. Healing is a process of embracing my value and nurturing positive habits.

Finding Peace in the Process

In Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott shares a quote from E. L. Doctorow that resonates with my healing journey:

"Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

Healing unfolds gradually—piece by piece, day by day. It’s a journey that evolves over time, allowing us to create space for a peaceful life.

On a recent run, I encountered Dave once more. We exchanged greetings, and while he didn't immediately recognize me, there was a sense of familiarity.

In that moment, I considered sharing the deeper truth about my presence on the trails—that my running is not just a passion, but a necessary escape to heal from a lifetime of pain.

Trail running is my sanctuary, a means to confront my struggles and find solace in the mountains.

"Perhaps being amidst the undesecrated beauty of the wilderness meant that I too could be undesecrated, regardless of what I'd lost or what had been taken from me..."

— Cheryl Strayed

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